I found out the definite date of our sweet guy's departure in the middle of the week - it was scheduled for the following Monday, May 21. I'd like to say that I used that time to prepare and that I was all ready when I had to say goodbye, but that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is I dreaded the day and time as it approached and I cried many, many tears leading up to that hour. I loved this little guy with a mother's heart and I just could not fathom the idea of not having him with us day in and day out. I prayed and read scripture, but to be honest, nothing could have fully prepared me for how hard it was going to be. Through tears I gathered and packed his stuff the night before, and thought my heart would break right in two.
The plan was set for me to meet the social worker at his grandparent's house in the morning and drop him off and it was so hard. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I did it. I did it only with God's strength and just kept repeating Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
So on that Monday morning in May I took our kids to a friend's house and then I drove our little guy home to his grandparents. I held it together (barely) while giving his grandma his things and going over his schedule and talking with everyone, but when it was time to say goodbye and walk out the door, the flood gates opened and I could do nothing to stop them. His grandma asked if I wanted to tell him goodbye and as I took him in my arms I cried. I hugged and kissed him and told him I loved him, and then I handed him back to his grandma who I knew loved him as much as I did. And as I handed him back she did something I wasn't expecting: with tears in her eyes she thanked me, hugged me, and promised that we would keep in touch. As I turned to leave I noticed that the social worker was also teary eyed and somehow their tears made it a bit easier because I knew that in some small way they could understand how hard this must be for me.
And the best part of the story is how the Lord took care of me the rest of that day and week. As I was literally driving away from dropping him off my best friend since sixth grade texted me: "Thinking of you today." And when I picked up the kids from my dear friend's house she had made chocolate chip cookies for me (you know I needed some serious chocolate therapy). I took the kids out for lunch and ice cream to cheer us up and the sweet lady from our old church who owns the ice cream shop lent me her ear when I told her why we were out for ice cream to cheer ourselves up. When we stopped at Kroger on the way home I ran into a friend from our homeschool group and when she asked where the little guy was and I teared up she hugged me and said she was so sorry. Another wonderful friend from our homeschool group called me an hour later to find out when we had to take him home, and when I told her I had taken him home that morning she asked if she could stop by our house later that evening and drop something off, and sure enough at about 5:00 that evening she stopped by with two ready to bake pizzas, a watermelon, and cookies. My mom sent us the sweetest card a few days later and all of our friends and family rallied around to support and comfort us.
Before we ever knew the date that we would say goodbye God, through our church, placed an amazing woman named Catie in my life who had gone through the entire process only months earlier, and I was so blessed by her and her friendship because I desperately needed someone who could truly understand what I was going through.
That night was our church's women's Bible study. I had only just started attending the week before so I really debated about going that night, but I knew that the ladies who had walked through the same journey with my friend, Catie, would be there and that they would walk through it with me as well, so I went. And do you know what? God had more special blessings for me that night as well. One of the ladies in attendance was a woman from our church that I knew of, but had never met, and when she heard about my day she took me aside during the break and told me that she had been in foster care as a child and that she was eventually adopted through the system, and she thanked me for being a foster parent and assured me that we had made a difference in our little guy's life. That night during our prayer time a sweet new friend read Psalm 91 and it just blessed me beyond words. (Needless to say I spent a good part of the evening crying.)
We still see our sweet little guy almost every week, and his grandma and I have become good friends. So, although this experience was impossibly hard it was also an impossible blessing that I would not trade, and I can say that even though my heart was broken over the loss of our sweet boy, who I love with every fiber of my being, the joy of knowing and loving him was worth it all. Mind you, I didn't feel this way right away and if you had asked me that day or in the days following I would have said that I would never do this again. A little piece of my heart will always be missing because it belongs forever to him, but I know that he was (and is) a part of our lives for a reason and it is all a part of God's mighty plan - a plan that I cannot even begin to fathom or understand, but one that I look forward to seeing unfold.
For I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me,
declaring the end from the beginning
and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,
and I will accomplish all my purpose,’
calling a bird of prey from the east,
the man of my counsel from a far country.
I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass;
I have purposed, and I will do it.
~Isaiah 46:9-11
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
~Romans 8:28
I wrote the following the week I said goodbye and let go:
I didn't know how fast.
I didn't know how much.
I didn't know how deeply.
I didn't know how completely.
I didn't know the heartache.
I didn't know the joy.
I didn't know the pain.
I didn't know the love.
I didn't know the full heart.
I didn't know the hard goodbye.
But most of all, I didn't know the strength,
or that I'd have to love you enough to let you go.
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